Kiss goodbye avant lyrics when it hurts

Theodor Fontane
Trials and tribulations
Theodor Fontane

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Chapter fifteen

Botho wanted to go out to Lene at once, and when he felt that he had no strength for it, he at least wanted to write. But that didn't work either. "I can't, not today." And so he let the day go by and waited until the next morning. So he wrote in a nutshell.

“Dear Lene! Now it is just as you told me the day before yesterday: Farewell. And goodbye forever. I had letters from home that compel me; it has to be, and because it has to be, so be it quickly ... Oh, I wish these days were behind us. I won't tell you anything else, not even how my heart is ... It was a short, good time and I won't forget any of it. I'll be with you around nine, not earlier, because it shouldn't be long. Goodbye, just goodbye one more time. Your B. v. R. «

And now he came. Lena stood at the gate and received him as usual; not the slightest trace of reproach or even painful renunciation lay in her face. She took his arm and so they walked up the front garden walkway.

“It is right that you come ... I am glad that you are here. And you must be happy too. "

With these words they had reached the house, and Botho made the appearance of entering the large front room from the hall. But Lene pulled him away and said: "No, Frau Dörr is inside ..."

"And are we still angry?"

"Not that one. I calmed her down. But what should we do with her today? Come on, it's such a beautiful evening and we want to be alone. "

He agreed, and so they went down the hall and across the courtyard towards the garden. Sultan did not move and just blinked after both of them as they walked up the large central path and then towards the bench standing between the raspberry bushes.

When they got here, they sat down. It was quiet, a chirping could only be heard from the field, and the moon stood over them.

She leaned against him and said calmly and warmly: "So this is the last time I'll hold your hand in mine?"

“Yes, Lene. Can you forgive me? "

“As you always ask. What should I forgive you? "

"To hurt your heart."

“Yes, it hurts. This is true."

And now she was silent again and looked up at the pale stars rising in the sky.

"What are you thinking about, Lene?"

"How nice it would be to be up there."

“Don't talk like that. You must not wish your life away; there is only one step left from such a wish ... "

She smiled. "No not that. I'm not like the girl who ran to the draw well and rushed in because her lover was dancing with someone else. Do you remember how you told me about it? "

“But what is it then? You're not like saying that just to say something. "

“No, I meant it seriously, too. And really ”- and she pointed out -“ I would like to be there. I would have peace then. But I can wait ... And now come and let's go into the field. I didn't take out a cloth and find it cold here sitting still. "

And so they went up the same field path that had led them to the front row of houses in Wilmersdorf. The tower was clearly visible under the starry sky, and only a thin haze of mist drew across the meadow.

"Do you remember," said Botho, "how we went here with Frau Dörr?"

She nodded. “That's why I suggested it to you, I wasn't cold or at least I was hardly cold. Oh, it was such a beautiful day back then, and I've never been so cheerful and happy, not before and not after. At this moment my heart still laughs when I think back to the way we went and sang: 'Do you think about it.' Yes, memory is a lot, is everything. And now I have it and stay with me and can no longer be taken from me. And I really feel how easy it is for me. "

He hugged her. "You're so good."

Lene, however, went on in her calm tone: “And that my heart is so light-hearted, I don't want to let that pass and I want to tell you everything. Actually, it's the old thing I've always said to you, the day before yesterday when we were out in the half-failed game, and then afterwards when we parted ways. I saw it coming like this, from the beginning, and it only happens what must. When one has had a beautiful dream, one must thank God for it and not complain that the dream ends and reality begins again. Now it is difficult, but everything is forgotten or regains a friendly face. And one day you will be happy again and maybe me too. "

'Do you believe it? And if not? So what?"

"Then you live without happiness."

“Oh, Lena, you say that as if luck was nothing. But there is something, and that torments me, and yet I feel as if I had wronged you. "

“I will absolve you of that. You have done me no wrong, you have not led me astray and you have promised me nothing. Everything was my free decision. I loved you dearly, that was my fate, and if it was my fault it was my Fault. And on top of that a guilt, which I, I have to tell you again and again, am glad with all my soul, because it was my happiness. If I have to pay for it now, I am happy to pay. You have not offended, not injured, not insulted, or at most what people call decency and good morals. Should I grieve about it? No. Everything will be straightened out again, that too. And now come and let's turn back. Just watch the mists rise; I think Frau Dörr is gone now and we'll meet the good old woman alone. She knows everything and has only said one and the same thing all day. "

"And what?"

"That it was so good."

Frau Nimptsch was really alone when Botho and Lene came in to see her. Everything was quiet and dim, and only the fire in the hearth cast a gleam of light over the broad shadows that slanted across the room. The goldfinch had been sleeping in his farmer for a long time, and nothing could be heard except the hissing of the water boiling over from time to time.

"Good evening, mother," said Botho.

The old woman returned the greeting and wanted to get up from her footstool to move the large armchair closer. But Botho did not suffer and said: "No, Mother, I'll sit down in my old place."

And as he did so he pushed the stool up to the fire.

There was a little pause; but immediately he began again: "I'm coming today to say goodbye and thank you for all the love and good that I have had here for so long. Yes, mother, so right from the heart. I loved being here and so happy. But now I have to go, and all I can say is just this: It's probably for the best that way. "

The old woman was silent and nodded in agreement. “But I'm not out of the world,” continued Botho, “and I won't forget you, Mutterchen. And now you give me your hand. So. And now good night. "

Then he got up quickly and walked towards the door while Lene clung to him. So they went as far as the garden railing without saying a word further. But then she said: “Well, briefly, Botho. My strength is no longer sufficient; it was too much these two days. Farewell, my only one, and be as happy as you deserve and as happy as you made me. Then you are happy. And don't talk about the other anymore, it's not worth talking about. So so."

And she gave him a kiss and another and then closed the gate.

When he stood on the other side of the street, when he saw Lenens, he seemed to want to turn around again and exchange word and kiss with her. But she fought violently with her hand. And so he went on down the street while she, her head on her arm and her arm on the lattice post, watched him with a wide eye.

She stood like this for a long time until his step faded into the silence of the night.

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