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Faked orgasms? This is the best way to confess

Fake moans, simulated reaching for the sheet, exaggerated eye rolling: although none of us like to fake orgasms, we sometimes feel like we have no other choice. There is a great temptation to blame the problem on our partners (if it is a heterosexual relationship). It's not that far-fetched, because there is actually an orgasm gap between men and us women. 90 percent of all women are supposed to fake sexual climaxes. However, that's not the whole story, because while this is most common among straight women, it is far from uncommon in the case of same-sex couples. An obvious reason? We don't feel sexually fulfilled. Sarah *, a woman I spoke to, told me, "Whenever I faked an orgasm, I mostly did it because I wasn't really enjoying the sex and I wanted it to be over as soon as possible." A flaw Understanding of female sexual pleasure can be the cause of unsatisfactory sex. Tierra, another woman who opened up to me, says that was why she only pretended to come in the past. “For me it was because I knew too little about my own body. [I think] most men who have sex have no idea how to make a woman orgasm. So until she knows what a sexual climax feels like and understands what it takes, she'll be satisfied with the fake. ”Sex and relationship therapist Krystal Woodbridge agrees that certain depictions of pleasure make it harder for women can have a fulfilling sex life. “Many of us often have assumptions about sex that don't necessarily correspond to reality. It has to do with how our society deals with sex and how it is portrayed in the media. ”Although you might think that faking is more likely to occur in new or less serious relationships, studies show that the opposite is the case: In Long-term relationships are most often faked orgasms (exception: marriages). This suggests that there may be emotional factors at play, which Sarah only confirms. "Because my partners were close to my heart, I didn't stop them in the middle," she says. "If I were with someone I don't really care about, I wouldn't bother to fake." If you catch yourself faking again and fear that it could affect you or your relationship, is it may be time to confess and talk about it. For those concerned about their partner's reaction, Woodbridge advises paying attention to how the topic is brought up. "I think it's important to ask yourself if confessing to your partner that you faked orgasm could be potentially harmful [to the relationship]," she says. “If you focus on yourself, your significant other will not feel attacked or like you blame them. You may not need to openly state that your sexual climaxes were only faked. "She explains:" You can guide your counterpart without having to admit that you have faked all orgasms so far or accuse your partner. So you're basically saying, 'There's one problem that I've been having a lot lately. I find it harder to come. So I'd like to work with you to find out what we can do to solve it. ”“ Woodbridge believes that the problem can arise no matter how experienced a person is. It is therefore important that you can talk about your individual preferences. However, your pretending can also be related to the fact that you don't know at all or not enough what these preferences actually are. For this reason, it can be helpful to take some time for yourself to research what makes you feel like. So you will let yourself go during sex and be able to guide your partner or your partner better inside. Woodbridge explains, “An orgasm begins in the head. So arousal has to do with your own ability to understand what is stimulating you. ”“ What someone perceives as arousing can differ from person to person. Some of us turn on looking at erotic images or listening to certain music, ”she explains. “Start by thinking about physical sensations. What feels good Once you've figured out what turns you on, you can share that information with your significant other. ”It is also important to ask yourself why you are faking your orgasms in the first place. If you cannot find an answer to this, or if you feel that it is the result of internalized sexual shame or a past / present trauma, you should seek help from a qualified therapist. Woodbridge explains, “It depends on how long you've been struggling to climax. It also needs to be clarified whether this has always been a problem or is only the case during sex with your current partner. It also matters whether you can have an orgasm on your own, but not with your significant other. What is also not unimportant is your relationship with your own body. Did you enjoy exploring and getting to know your own body during puberty, or was that something that was shameful and taboo? ”Developing an understanding of sexual pleasure without penetration (especially in the case of straight couples) can also be helpful. After all, only about 18 percent of women have an orgasm as a result. Not just focusing on penetrative sex, being less goal-oriented during intercourse (orgasm doesn't have to be a must), and more general sensuality could help lower the pressure. “Even people who have no problem cumming may not always reach a sexual climax during sex, or sometimes they may not even want to come,” adds Woodbridge. Olney saw it as a good sign that she could talk about faking with her significant other. She says: “In my last two relationships, I knew what I needed and could talk about it. I found it important to let my partners know what my needs are in bed. When it became clear in my last relationship that the other person didn't care if our sexual experience was satisfying for me too, I decided to go my separate ways. "" Without conversation, your sexual experience will not magically improve. Because we talked about what turned us on, my partners knew how to help me come. On the other hand, I also knew it was time to break up if we couldn't discuss this freely. ”Woodbridge also notes: If your significant other is struggling with you not climaxing or simply not wanting to orgasm, is that not your problem. “If you are really happy, whether you come or not, then your partner has nothing special to worry about. If he or she is concerned anyway, it probably has to do with his or her own pride. ”While the desire to pretend you came can be a sign that there are deeper problems in your relationship, Talking about it can in turn lead to more intimacy and a more fulfilling sex life. In fact, a significant number of women reported that their partners “tried harder” inside after admitting that they faked orgasms. As Rashawn found out, open conversations with partners do not always turn out to be successful: “I've never come and therefore feel inadequate - as if something was wrong with me. When I told him, he made it his business to make me cum. He tried over and over again - to no avail. Since I didn't want to disappoint him, I faked orgasms. ”Of course, the role of the partner is not unimportant in this context. That is why it is also advisable to be able to talk about preferences in bed. In order to improve your sex life, Woodbridge advises that you first find out what turns you on and what you actually need in bed to be able to cum. "[That way] you take responsibility for your own sexual experience," she says. “You have to start with yourself. Obviously you can involve your partner, but it all starts with you. ”* Some names have been changed by the editorial team. Like what you see? How about some more R29 goodness, right here? I had my first orgasm when I was 30 Should we all have sex every day? Long COVID: the problem nobody talks about