What could happen to icenjam


Tears run down your cheeks that are burning and hot. Running hurts, it's like you've finished a marathon. It's like running long distances and talking too much. A feeling like abnormal stitch in the side that occurs because you cannot keep your mouth shut. You still can't keep your mouth shut, your lips form silent prayers to a being that doesn't exist in your faith after all. But there are moments when you wish for faith, even when it is difficult. And then you form silent prayers of request and hope that it is just not as bad as it looks, that your imagination is much bigger than your mind and that you are just telling yourself things. Things that aren't there because you're just exaggerating. You imagine the stabbing pain that you feel while running and the feeling of impotence, caused by intermittent panic waves, inside you. You just imagine the feeling that you are losing air to breathe, because the stinging compresses everything. You just imagine that breathing causes you pain, because it's not that bad after all, breathing has always been that way. But you don't imagine the tears that move out of your eyes in hot stages, because they are hot and sting on your skin.

Sometimes it helps you in moments of panic and fear if you think of a question, a question that you always try to answer honestly and thoughtfully for yourself. “What could happen in the worst case?” Instead of illness, however, the question usually causes even more restlessness, panic and fear of what you are most afraid of. Death. Often accompanied by a long journey of suffering. So you are more afraid of suffering, and you do not want to think about a diagnosis that could be made. But there are also misdiagnoses that cause you anger and anger and bring back the grief that makes you think of your dad. Dad who received a misdiagnosis or, better still, no diagnosis at all, with which worse could have been prevented. So you are afraid of going to the doctor because even doctors are sometimes clueless, like you. You don't want to have an operation and then have to be in a coma because your too small heart can't cope with all of this. You don't want to have to learn everything anew, while your mind is too clear, or not, maybe you are then tied to the bed while you don't notice the drool dripping from your face, then the unknown moves further and further away and the Death becomes your new acquaintance, which you would then have to make. You don't want to die yet, detach yourself from life, because you are just too young for it. And you have plans in life, even if as invisible as the air you can barely breathe because every breath hurts your kidneys. Whatever it is Everything will be fine, you tell yourself, because all other thoughts are nonsensical, because you know by now that like attracts like. So you only think good things, you are completely positive and you look forward to the nice, and very, very pretty urologist, who will scan your kidneys very caringly, gently and timidly, the ultrasound device in his right hand. The urologist, who then smiles nicely at you and says "Hey, everything's fine, young woman, your kidneys are so beautiful, just like you!" And then he sends you home and you can finally breathe again because you are through them Fear in you just forgot how it works, that with breathing and without pain. You will live Even if the unknown occasionally causes fear, sometimes it is only for the moment of ignorance. As soon as it is known, you can learn to use it lovingly again, and then everything will be fine. You will live on!

© Netti

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