Complete child rearing ascd publications

raising children


1. Short summary for "quick readers":

Nobody will deny that the most important personalities are shaped in our childhood - sometimes even before we are born! It may be a coincidence of fate, whether we are born as a child of a poor mother in Bangaldesh or in Düsseldorf-Kaiserswerth as the offspring of an entrepreneurial family (which both can have its light and dark sides), the very intense bond ensures our parents for strong, formative course-setting for later life - as long as these are not reflected on and changed if necessary.

We are happy to take with us all the impulses that strengthen us: strong roots, security, the feeling of being accepted and, as an important counterpart, the freedom to go our own way. However, the reversals of this positive ideal have a rather fatal effect: If there is a lack of security and acceptance and a healthy development of autonomy is hindered, this can lead to "quirks", blockages, violent fears and restrictions, which can lead to massive personality changes (m. E. falsely referred to as “personality disorders”, which are then ascribed to the “disturbed person” without asking who or what has disturbed or even disturbed a healthy development ...) unresolved last a lifetime and lead to infinite suffering in Shape mental and / or physical symptoms. The healthy development path from the “Kind-GmbH” (creature (s) with limited room for maneuver) to the “Ich-AG”, which could act self-determined based on its own values ​​and free from external influences, fails.

In this extensive article you will find impulses on how it can succeed in avoiding such wrong turns right from the start or - if they have already occurred more or less unfortunate - to "repair" them again. I also strongly recommend the articles and links to the authors Alice Miller and Susan Forward, Jay Earley and Franz Ruppert.

This contribution is particularly valuable for all those who themselves are mistreated, emotionally disturbed or otherwise traumatized and do not want to pass this on to their own children, because experience shows that all “perpetrator-parents” were formerly “child victims” who attended have failed in the task of freeing themselves from the consequences of their own childhood through self-reflection or therapy, which is expressed, among other things, in the continued identification with earlier aggressors (“In the end, beating my father did me good, so I can get hold of you now too hard on! ”)


2. Growing up in the field of tension between belonging and autonomy


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2.1 Getting to know each other instead of shapes

It is not only nowadays common for parents, and it is accepted as completely “normal”, that children are to be seen as a kind of “modeling clay” that can only be formed into “real people” by the parents' hands - sometimes harder, sometimes softer . All kinds of values ​​are stuffed into them, cultural (“sit up straight, you eat with knife and fork, be nice, give grandma a kiss, ...!”), Religious and other social values. It can also be observed that desirable behavior, praised and undesirable behavior is punished - often with the help of emotional blackmail (“If you don't do this or that or at least, then Mommy is sad!” - Withdrawal of love, whereby one might wonder what that is for a “love” that sets such hostile conditions ...) or hidden or open violence (threats and / or execution of prohibitions up to mental (verbal) and physical punishment and violence, in order to enforce these requirements and prohibitions by virtue of the factually superior parental power enforce). We can also look at what comes out of this:

  • Either adapted consumers who, like their producers, will sooner or later sacrifice their dreams to “realistic prospects”, good consumers and inconspicuous people who lead a rather gray life - interrupted once or twice by carnival (you can let out a lot what is otherwise considered forbidden), vacation and the dubious “consolation” with the colorful world of consumption from the latest smartphone to the chic (leased) car.
  • Or “eccentricities”, unadjusted, arise who either become extremely happy according to their form - or fail in fear, depression, burnout or other phenomena up to homelessness, because they overcome the contradiction between external expectations and one's own self out of fear of the existence-threatening loss of love or the annihilation, which threatened in childhood with open expression of one's own, autonomous strivings, are not resolved, and are not (yet) separated from introjects (adopted foreign values) and survival patterns quasi as a kind “2. Childbirth ”
  • In extreme cases, the seemingly unbearable pressure discharges into aggression to the outside (rampage, flight into extremist ideals of an economic or religious nature, or it discharges as implosion into depression and suicide (so to speak as “amok run inwards”).

How different it would be if - contrary to the attitude outlined above - you encountered children with a kind of curious tension: What kind of person is coming into my life? What character traits, talents, etc. do he or she bring with them? How could you give this child protection on the one hand, strong roots and on the other hand - depending on personal means (not everyone has the financial background to finance a performing concert pianist star the necessary training) the opportunity to develop their talents, or not Standing in the way for your own, unquestioned motives?

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2.2 Security and basic trust

What influence the attachment behavior can have on later life (if destructive influences have not been neutralized by one's own activity) is shown by the excerpt from this impressive video (in the program “Views of a killer”, broadcast on 3sat on January 16, 2014)). 10 minutes that are worth it!

(Please excuse the reduced image quality!)

I would like to make the following comment: One strategy to “cope” with unbearable conditions in childhood and youth is the outward turn of aggression, as discussed in the film. Much more often because it is socially less ostracized, however, the - originally constructive - aggression (so to speak as "internal rampage"), which "only" wanted to remedy an untenable situation due to unsatisfied basic human needs, turns inwards, and then occurs in the form of Anxiety, panic and depression manifest themselves. Often those who suffer from it are then “treated”. All too often, the pathogenic (unfortunately causing) circumstances are not looked at. For those affected, it is important to protect healthy kernels and self-parts and to heal the injured parts - a sometimes lifelong process ...

I also disagree with the film's statement that puberty is the most decisive, most formative phase of life. Here I agree with the opinion of the Danish educator Jesper Juul, after puberty only reveals what has already been broken in the relationship. Sure, this stage of development is also a particularly sensitive one due to the character of reorientation and mental and physical restructuring - but if the basis of a security-creating relationship with the parents is present, practice shows that this phase is much easier and more harmonious (unless , the parents have meanwhile distanced themselves from their fundamentally open-minded attitude).

The "still-face experiment"

The extent to which the consequences of even the slightest impairment of this bond can have at a young age is shown by the following experiment (think maybe for a moment about what happens in the souls of people when this “experiment” is not ended after seconds, but days, weeks, Lasts months, years and decades ...).

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2.3 Accompanying autonomy, “letting go” and supportive-protective


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5. Conclusions from the findings

Contact with instincts, recognition of open and hidden suffering, and finally the question: "How do I want to do it, what can I take responsibility for?"

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5.1 Conclusions for "Education"


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5.2 Conclusions for the school

I myself “survived” my school days reasonably well - due to the talent to easily absorb even the most boring learning material with the “Nuremberg funnel” method and to be able to reproduce it at the required time (tests, class work, exams), a talent I am not proud of can be because it is a matter of talent and not a learned or developed skill. From an early age I used the freedom I created to support other classmates who lacked this talent (student council, later ASTA). Nevertheless, even then I had the sure feeling: “Something fundamentally is wrong here!” And I was very interested in alternative school forms from Summerhill, Waldorf, Freie Schule Bochum to Laborschule Bielefeld & Co.

Back then, and in many cases still today, these alternatives were and are either laughed at or mocked in rabulistic mastery (“Oh, so you can dance your name too - well, have fun later if you fail in the tough everyday work ...!”).

Below you can see from impressive examples that it is possible that “other” types of school do not necessarily produce social failures (whatever that may be), but rather self-confident, upright people who manage their lives independently. Even if many people who are involved in the school as an institution today often defend themselves against alternatives out of a feeling of being attacked (“Yes, do you think we are bad teachers? We do our best, but with them Years we have just become realistic ... ”). I myself was able to experience in numerous examples how and that it works “differently”. May this encourage you to try it within your own room for maneuver - if necessary through home schooling! Perhaps this room for maneuver is greater than you previously thought ...

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5.3 Conclusions for "adults"


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5.4 Alternative concepts for accompanying children

Almost always - most recently last Sunday - when I utter these kinds of theses, I encounter a mixture of defense (the teachers present say “It doesn't work that way!”), Attack (“Where do you actually get this wisdom from? no (own) children! ”) to open hatred and malice (“ If you dream on, listen: In life there is only one thing: Acquire power and use it to your advantage! Everything else is Waldorf nonsense! Apropos: Can you actually dance your name too? ”).

Well, I usually answer: “Yes, I have no children of my own, but I derive my competence to talk about these - apparently hot - topics from three facts:

  1. I was once a child myself, and an extremely alert observer!
  2. I have worked with countless children and adolescents and experienced which action and how they dealt with these sometimes extremely disturbed people!
  3. I have good access to my intuition and have read a lot about it, and I reserve the right to have and represent my own point of view. Why - if “your” educational system is so great, are we dealing with more and more children who are downright afraid of kindergarten and school? Where does this increasingly brutal violence and the decline in empathy come from? And let's just look at the faces of the “end products”, the so-called adults: Why so much burnout, why so much fear, panic and depression? Why do this almost kill yourself in jobs that are not fun in order to be able to “keep up socially” (my car, my house, etc.)?

That it is different, that it is better, less fearful, less violent or - to put it in a positive way - with more joie de vivre and more quality of life, the examples below show! And for the “realistic romantics” among us, these two quotes should be added (“You may say, I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one!”):

Hermann Hesse: Steps

Like every blossom withers and every youth
Age gives way, every stage of life blossoms,
Every wisdom also blossoms and every virtue
In their time and must not last forever.
The heart must with every call of life
Be ready to say goodbye and start new
To be in bravery and without grief
To give new ties to others.
And there is a magic in every beginning
Who protects us and who helps us to live.

We are supposed to walk through room after room,
Cling to no one like to a home,
The world spirit does not want to bind us and narrow,
He wants to raise us step by step, to widen us.
We are hardly at home in a circle of life
And living in comfort, so threatens slackness,
Only those who are ready to set out and travel
Let paralyzing habituation unwind.

It may also be the hour of death
Send us young towards new spaces,
Life's call to us will never end ...
Well then, heart, say goodbye and healthy!

John Lennon: Imagine

Imagine there's no heaven
It's easy if you try
No hell below us
Above us only sky

Imagine all the people
Living for today

Imagine there’s no countries
It isn't hard to do
Nothing to kill or die for
And no religion too

Imagine all the people
Living life in peace

You may say I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you’ll join us
And the world will be as one

Imagine no possessions
I wonder if you can
No need for greed or hunger
A brotherhood of man

Imagine all the people
Sharing all the world

You may say I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you’ll join us
And the world will live as one

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6. External links, materials, thoughts and examples

Impossible! That is impossible! Surely that can't work? Here are some examples, statements and references that show that our heads are round so that first thoughts (and later actions) can change direction ...


6.1 WIKIPEDIA link

Sometimes the online encyclopedia WIKIPEDIA gives a very good overview of a topic - depending on the quality of the contribution. The article on the keyword “anti-pedagogy” is, in my opinion, well advised, take a look for yourself:
Link to the article “Anti-Pedagogy” on WIKIPEDIA


6.2 "AMICATION" model

With educational concepts there is always a very extreme back and forth between extreme approaches. At the end of the 1960s, the consequences of the overly strict, Wilhelmine-inspired “education” to submissiveness shifted to the extreme of the anti-authority antipole - with results that were fatal in other ways. Such fluctuations are normal and can be observed with all kinds of developments, sometimes it seems that extreme deflections are needed in order to settle into a kind of “golden mean” at some point, sooner or later. When it comes to dealing with children, this does not mean the middle between subjugation and total laissez faire, but rather something new that can arise from the extremes.

Such an approach is proposed by Hubertus von Schoenrock, a representative of the direction called “Amication”. To present this philosophy here would be too much, but that is not necessary: ​​The originators of this idea have put together extensive material on their website, there is also a whole CD with many practical examples that can be downloaded for free here.

My assessment: A good approach, but one that requires parents and people who deal with children to deal intensively with themselves.Positive: No new dogmas of “wrong” or “right” are conveyed with a raised index finger, the awareness of one's own mindfulness responsibility is sharpened (“How do you really want to deal with children yourself? What is the result of your“ educational interventions ” can you really live? How can you live with children without depriving them of their dignity?). (Link to the “AMICATION” page)

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6.3 Blog “Free Family”

“Inform yourself and make your own decisions, regardless of the general opinion of society - listen to your inner gut feeling. What is good for us parents, what is good for our children, what is good for us as a family? That's what this is about. Function or be free and enjoy life? We strive for the latter! Set off to become a better “we”…. Take responsibility for your own life, not adapt, free yourself from social constraints ... Protect, pamper and love your children unconditionally! Relationship instead of education! Have trust! Growing together…. ”- with this profile, the approach introduces itself on its (private) website. Whereby this is actually not an approach but rather a recommendable blog. My assessment: It's worth taking a look, although the site is still young ... Link to the “Free Family” page

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6.4 Alternative school concepts

Even during my own school days, I had doubts about the widespread Tapi school system. My “Nuremberg funnel” made it easier for me to use the “knowledge bullimie” that was already required at the time (recording> “giving up” during test / class work> forgetting): The grades were always good to very good. This gave me the freedom that I used to support classmates (SV) who did not get along with the system so easily, on the one hand, and on the other hand, I was looking for alternatives from an early age (Freie Schule Bochum, Laborschule Bielefeld, etc.) interested. I am pleased that in many places active people did not stop at thinking, and that exciting projects live against considerable resistance. Here are some examples of how it can be done differently and how it can be done better:

Democratic school “Kapriole” (Freiburg)

I recommend these videos for skeptics who believe that only conventional schooling can “produce” upright, successful and self-confident children. The catch is that the results of this type of school may seem too self-confident for some - which reveals in a fatal way what the real motives of classic schools are (market-driven, adapted, authoritarian and consumer-friendly consumers) ...

Here is the short portrait of the democratic school “Kapriole” ...

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Prof. Dr. Gerald Hüther: Short lecture “Feelings of happiness”

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Richard David Precht: “The school system's betrayal of our children”

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6.5 Oliver Heuler: Statement on the subject of anti-education

I know and appreciate Oliver Heuler - initially as a personable person, extraordinary golf trainer, fan of non-violent communication (according to Marshall Rosenberg) - and not least as a lively representative of anti-education. I also love his very special sense of humor (note the “commercial breaks” in the videos) ... In these videos he presents his thoughts. Since the second part of YOUTUBE is blocked, I have - edited - posted it myself in order to be able to offer you the valuable content. Please excuse the poorer resolution! Here is the link to his page.

Part 1

Part 2

part 3

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6.6 Alice Miller (various)


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6.7 Susan Forward “Poisoned Childhood


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6.8 Mike Hellweg “Saving the Inner Child”


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